Selfless vs. Selfish in Sex

  First of all, I want to address my inadequacy on this topic. I recognize that I’m not someone that has too much experience with this, so I’m just going to talk about what I’ve heard/learned from other people, while drawing on my miniscule and incomplete experiences. This is a topic that I have studied periodically, and find it exciting to be able to apply in my future with my wife. 

I have always heard that sex is a beautiful thing, and that the movies and pornography aren’t accurate representations of what sex should be. From an article that I had read back in August of 2021, and from my recent studies, I learned that sex should be selfless. In other words, if it’s to gratify yourself and not primarily for your partner, it’s probably not a real, genuine expression of your emotions. 

I will attempt to share my perspective with my limited experience. I was dating a girl a while ago that had this really strange preference that she couldn’t be touched by anybody unless she allowed it. She blamed it on anxiety, and I don’t want it to sound like I’m discrediting her or her feelings/mental health, but it was so bad that her own mother couldn’t touch her shoulder without her being grossed out and uncomfortable. When she was with me, and we would be holding hands, there were times that she would just flip like a switch. She would be wanting to hold my hand, and then all of a sudden, she would pick it up and kindly place it on my lap as she told me that she no longer wanted to hold my hand. Now, when I say limited experience, I mean it. So, obviously this isn’t an accurate representation of what it would look like if we tried to be sexually intimate, but I sure think it is a fantastic indicator! Can you imagine how it would feel if you were trying to express your deep emotions for your partner through sexual intimacy, and they just got up and left out of nowhere? That’s what I felt like to a much lower degree. But, it was this huge indicator for me that I wouldn’t feel validated or loved in a moment like that if I ever were to express my deep emotions for her. It had to be on her conditions always. Her aversion to touch and my feelings on that matter was definitely something that got addressed in our relationship, but she didn’t want to change. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last much longer. 

Currently, I’m dating an incredible girl that I can’t say enough about. I’m having a much different experience with her, and I love it. With all of this study about how sexual intimacy should be selfless, I’m almost worried that this girl is toxically selfless. She is always concerned about me, and treats me so well. I know that I’m undeserving of all of the things she does for me. But because of this, I know that if I were to be sexually intimate with her, my feelings and expressions of love would not only be validated, they would be cherished and accepted. Even the thought of that is beautifully sacred, and I’m not even married yet. I’m just simply grateful that I can learn these principles of sexual intimacy in this capacity now, and it gives me hope that I will be able to develop healthy relationships in the future. I look forward to the depth of love that I will be able to share with my special someone. I hope that I can learn more of the correct principles of healthy sexual intimacy now, before I’m married, so that when those days come, they will be blissfully wonderful, the way they should be. 

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